How about just some damn honesty about how freaking hard my C-Section recovery is...mentally.

No one ever told me to the depths of what an emergency c-section recovery actually was like. And honestly that wasn’t and hasn’t been the hardest part. If you’ve read my birth story of Rees you probably got the point that I went from labouring hard to a c-section in an extremely short period of time. My one hint that I was going into a surgery that I didn’t pick up on was Joe coming out of the bathrooms in scrubs on and me just thinking how sexy he was.

I lost multiple chunks of time that day that my brain has been working very hard at trying to get back.  In the small amounts of quiet time I have in my days, I replay her birthday over and over in my head just trying to comprehend how scared I was, to try so hard to remember the times my head really doesn’t want me to remember.

I’ve been denying to myself and others that the blessings of that day outweighed all the fear and trauma I endured in my head. I am SO grateful we are both safe and ok, but the entire events have traumatized my core and that... is not easy to admit. The ease I once had seems so far away these days and I could cough that up to a lot of what my life is. But knowing that in every silent evening my head dozes to the same place each time. There is something I haven’t been accepting, that I’m still very much not ok with the unfolding series of events.

I always told people I would have many babies if my pregnancies weren’t so hard and if all I had to do was labour. I love the not knowingness of labour, I love that you can prove how strong you really are after enduring so much pain. I love the after adrenaline and release of hormones. The bliss that is having your baby in your arms right after you screamed your face off for how ever long. The tears, the way your partner looks at you. How you are some how in complete control yet not. It is a surreal experience that I was lucky enough to have twice.

I knew Rees would be my last baby, I was so excited to see the tears roll down Joe’s face and see his reaction to meeting his daughter for the first time. And I missed it, I missed a lot. I was put under and he wasn’t even able to be in the room, I did not meet her for almost 2 hours after. I woke up scared, alone in a dark room with no baby in my numb empty tummy. With a lady near by but non the less alone. The last words that came out of my mouth before I went under were yells, multiple yells of “YOU’RE TORTURING ME” “IS MY DAUGHTER GOING TO BE OK?” “IS SHE ALIVE?”  “STOPPP” as they held me down during extreme contractions, inserting a cathador, holding oxygen over my face. My midwife said it was very sad for her to see and she had never experienced what she experienced with me. This has made us pretty close.

They call it an “E0” the most emergency c-section there is, multiple nurses came in during the following days mentioning what I had been through that had made its way through the maternity ward, yet I didn’t remember most of it. And for good reason I try to tell myself, my subconscious was there.. I was not. I see the same 6 flashes over and over again with nothing in between. I can bring myself back to that fear with a single thought, I well up with tears when I tell her birth story and that is not how I want to remember it. So I fight myself a lot. My midwife has offered to walk me through the hospital and the hallways and the OR telling me what has happened and I want and think I need that, but not yet. I am far from healed, and this may seem like a small problem in many big schemes because we are both safe and ok which I am so eternally grateful. It is my big problem right now because I need to bring calmness back to my quiet times, to be the best mama to my beautiful babies.

I have skipped appointments to avoid reliving it with the people who were there out of fear, I can’t make sense why..but here I announce I am going to be taking every step forward from here on out. I bought a journal, to try and flip the flashes I have into positives, to see if I can remember anymore as Joe has been encouraging me to seek out someone, or take a tiny step in the right direction. So here I try.

Welcoming Rees Tenley Deziel

Introducing Rees Tenley Deziel 🎀💖

July 7th, 2018, 9:11am

7lbs 10oz

Wednesday July 4th night (her due date) I had been feeling uneasy for about 24 hours about her movement, she was only moving when I pushed at her and even then it was minimal, my amazing midwife got Joe and I to come to Vernon bags packed just in case for a Non Stress Test. During that she wasn’t having the heart accelerations they wanted and planned to induce me that night but the labor ward was filling up with girls in established labor so they pushed it for first thing the next morning after we had an ultrasound. Well I woke up puking at 3 am and spent the entire day ill as can be not able to keep even a sip of water down, dehydrated as ever for the entire day unable to be induced. Throughout this all I am having steady 2-4 minute apart contractions, every time they would check how dilated I was it would either be going backwards or only a bit forwards making little to no change. The most confusing part is some checks her head was engaged in my pelvis and they were able to poke at her, and then the next check they wouldn’t be able to find her head at all, which once a babies head is engaged.. it’s usually engaged.

The morning of July 6th they inserted Cervidil a hormone to soften your cervix and sometimes bring on contractions, all day Joe and I were able to relax, we went on walks, they had an awesome little cafe downstairs we frequented over our 5 day stay. I was feeling better and it was nice to just be on a little hospital date together. By the evening things had gotten crazy intense, but again when checked at 2am her head was gone and I had made almost negative progress so in the morning when we had an OB in the hospital they were going to safely break my water to get things moving and hopefully keep her engaged. 

We woke up the morning of July 7th to another dreadful check which ended up having great news, I was dilated to 4cm, and her head was yet again engaged so my amazing midwife broke my water right then and there, very quickly things got real, contractions hurt.. Joe would tell me to breath and I would snap back telling him to breath 😂, I always put Joe in charge of telling them when I’m ready for pain meds because he can read when I’m just asking and when I stop tolerating the pain. About an hour into the contractions I was telling Joe to give me an Engagement ring or an Epidural because I couldn’t take it anymore and would only give him one more contraction or else.. who knows but either way the nurse and my midwife were crying they were laughing at all my commentary and in the middle of this miss Ree gave us the scares of our lives and her heart rate droped just under 40 which is low or we couldn’t find it at all. Through very painful contractions they were needing to man handle me into positions to try and find her heart rate, at this point I was only dilated to a 6 and her head was GONE again, which should not be possible. 

The stars aligned ✨ and everyone who was needed for an emergency c-section happened to be at the hospital for completely unrelated appointments or consults (they don’t staff the Operating rooms on weekends) and they all came to my room and tossed Joe scrubs. That was the moment I realized what was happening was when joe walked out of our bathroom in scrubs looking sexy as ever. It’s also one of the moments my mind has kept flashing back to during this recovery. I was rushed down the hallway, accompanied by atleast 7 people. I remember in the elevator asking if she was ok on repeat. We got outside an operating room where they told us Joe couldn’t come in as I had to be put under, there was no time for anything. Our OB doing the surgery came out and reassured Joe saying “ I will have your baby in your arms in 5 minutes I promise”. So at 9:11am she as promised was safely delivered. 

Her umbilical cord was wrapped around one ankle, then separately wrapped around the other and knotted in the middle, she was on a bungee cord in my uterus & there was no way I could of delivered her without a c-section. I was blessed with 2 fast vaginal deliveries and this has been a long road with my busy guys but I am so blessed to have Joe as my rock down this road, he got an hour and a half of skin to skin with her before I was brought up and their bond is clear to everyone already, she’s so smitten with him. 

I have lots to share as far as these last 3 weeks of recovery so I will be writing another post with pictures soon. 

She’s perfect, she’s an amazing breast feeder & always listen to your gut mamas,  I am so glad I am able to announce her safe arrival 💖

I can not rave enough about the nurses, the staff the cleanliness, the gorgeous rooms and most importantly my amazing midwives in Vernon, I’m so glad i had my midwife throughout this rollercoaster.